If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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