someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
