Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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