if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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