eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
