I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
