get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
