A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i love accidental penises.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
