I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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