I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just want nice things and good sex
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
