I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
