i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It's never too late to be topless.
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
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Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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