You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
no more duck duck goose at the bar
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
