so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
