I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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