apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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