I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
