I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
