Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
