This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
