were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Randomize
