when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
