how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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