Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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