I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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