I think i sorta joined a cult last night
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
