Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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