It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
