I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
