it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
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