Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
