shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
