did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
