just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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