So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
