end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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