a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
