I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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