so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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