apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
