I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
