i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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