i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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