the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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