I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
