Just took my morning after pill in the library
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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