i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
