My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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