you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
