I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
