Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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