And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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