I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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