My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
