i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
