where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
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I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My vagina is officially offended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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