There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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